can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
