Christians are straight up FREAKS
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
