A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
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