1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I can't put those talents on a resume
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
