when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
