I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
