She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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