Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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