i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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