i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Princesses don't give blow jobs
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
