I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
