I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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