He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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