The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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