I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
