Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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