You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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