On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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