I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
