y did u give ur computer a hand job?
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
so let's talk penis.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
