dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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