During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
