Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
