yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
