I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
