If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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