I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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