now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
