Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
