Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
This is the prime rib incident all over again
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
In other news, I just burned my penis
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
