There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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