she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
