Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
