I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
