I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
