new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
