Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
