Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
