I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
