duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
