i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I just found a bag of teeth...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
