I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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