He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
