I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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