I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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