when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
