i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My liver just had a heart attack.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
