i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
