ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
