I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
