she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
